So the seer Balaam had this weird gig from the king of Moab to go curse the Israelites but God was all like, “Oh no you don’t, Israel’s my girlfriend.” Balaam turned them down until they started talking money, then God was like, “Fine, go ahead, man. Go with them…but
only do what I tell you.”
Balaam sincerely regretted not going into culinary school as he’d wanted at that point. The next morning, he packed his cursing stick and saddled up. God was pissed but being all passive-aggressive about it.
Balaam didn’t want to hear when God started talking out of his ass. Not capital H His, Balaam’s, meaning the donkey, who never gets named in the story. Let’s call him Hinnie. Anyway, seems the whole ruckus could have been avoided simply by having a more visible angel.
Angel was going, “Rawr! I’m an angel of the LORD here to smite thee! STOP!”
Meanwhile, poor Hinnie goes left, right, left, right. You know, like the awkward dance you do when two people are trying to go through a doorway. Anyway, no go. Hinnie finally just sat down to avoid the smitey sword-holding angel as Balaam steadily beats the ass’s ass.
Hinnie started talking. Out loud. Like people, “Dude! Why are you beating me like this? Have I ever acted like this before?” Balaam quits with the beating, all shocked but goes, “Hinnie, you’re making me look stupid. Man, if I just had a sword, I’d—“
Drama-queen angel makes an off-broadway entrance with another sword-flashing RAWR and becomes visible to Balaam. They angel tells him, “Oooh, you’re in trouble…I was going to smite the hell out of you!”
Teachable moment for Balaam, etc, etc.
Hinnie retired from Balaam-carrying, started a radio station near the Jordan. Plays his favorite music that falls like mist over the sands. His voice is smooth like old saddle leather as he signs off. “Remember, listen to me, or else.”
I'll try to write some short reactions to the works later. Note: I'm not a critic, but I like to share what I enjoy.